


catch me i'm falling

by pessimisticprose



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Explicit Sexual Content, Feelings, Friends With Benefits, Friendship, M/M, Some Possessive Behavior, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-31
Updated: 2014-07-31
Packaged: 2018-02-10 21:51:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2041509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pessimisticprose/pseuds/pessimisticprose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He loves Rei Ryugazaki. </p><p>Love might be too strong, come to think of it. Nagisa admires him, no doubt. He thinks Rei’s beautiful, even if Rei doesn’t always think so. He thinks it’s beautiful that he tries. He thinks it’s beautiful when he smiles when he gets something right. He loves things about Rei, too. </p><p>Right now he really just loves what Rei’s doing with his tongue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	catch me i'm falling

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guys! Welcome to my hell, aka angst Reigisa and sad!Nagisa. 
> 
> I want to stress a few things. Warnings are at the end, so as not to spoil the fic. 
> 
> One thing though: Nagisa is VERY OOC in this. He's very angst-filled. I want to stress this. VERY OOC.
> 
> You may proceed, if you still wish and I haven't turned you off too much. Kudos to you.
> 
> Alternate title is "why you dont get into shitty relationships or have casual sex with the love of your life - a novel" as suggested by my homie aobs. My ACTUAL title is a reference to the musical Next to Normal. Which I HIGHLY recommend.

Nagisa Hazuki likes a lot of things in life. He likes Makoto, because Makoto always has some wise yet vague piece. He likes chocolate ice cream, because it’s better than vanilla no matter what Rei says. He likes school on most days. He likes how cryptic Haru is, even though it sometimes makes him want to hit his head on a door.

He only loves a few things. He loves his parents. That’s a given. He loves swimming, loves the feel of the water as he glides through it, as it caresses his skin. He loves the moon.

He loves Rei Ryugazaki.

Love might be too strong, come to think of it. Nagisa admires him, no doubt. He thinks Rei’s beautiful, even if Rei doesn’t always think so. He thinks it’s beautiful that he tries. He thinks it’s beautiful when he smiles when he gets something right. He loves things about Rei, too.

Right now he really just loves what Rei’s doing with his tongue.

His hand fists in the sheet and he can’t hold back the groan when Rei curls his tongue just so and it sends spasms all the way up his spine. Rei has a hand curled around his hip, holding him steady as he fucks him with his tongue. It’s intimate and so, so good and Nagisa has no idea what to do. He wants to scream, he wants to cry because it feels so good.

He only mutters a soft, “Fuck, Rei-chan.” He makes sure to muffle it into his pillow, though. Rei slides in a finger alongside his tongue and Nagisa jerks forward into the mattress and comes. He shakes through his orgasm, mewling softly into the pillow and trying to regain some semblance of composure.

He hears Rei mutter something and then he crawls off of Nagisa’s bed, still fully clothed and glasses askew. He runs a hand–a very capable hand in Nagisa’s opinion–through his hair and says, “Let’s go see if Makoto and Haru are busy.” He walks out the door and leaves Nagisa on the bed.

Experimentation. That’s what Rei called it. Experimentation of sexual prowess. He wants to see if he’s good in bed. He wants to make sure he’s beautiful before he tries anything in the bedroom with anyone. At the time, Nagisa was overjoyed. He wants to help his friends, obviously, but maybe this hadn’t been such a good idea. He told himself he could do it. He could do this with Rei, no strings attached.

Maybe he’d been lying to himself.

He told himself he could only have a small piece of Rei. He told himself that Rei being his first would be the best thing he could ever hope for. He told himself that Rei would make him feel good and that he’s kind and considerate and cares about Nagisa.

He told himself a lot of things. Look where he is now. He’s lying on a bed naked and alone with spit drying on his ass and come on his bedspread.

***

“Nagisa-kun, may I speak with you?” Rei always looms over Nagisa, even when they’re both standing, but when he’s sitting and Rei is standing it’s like there’s an ocean between them. Nagisa nods and smiles at his friend.

“Is everything okay with Rei-chan?”

“Of course. I’m perfectly fine!” Rei adjusts his red glasses and blows out a breath. “I believe my experimentation is complete. I no longer require your assistance.”

Nagisa knew this was coming. He knew it, but he ignored the signs until now and he wishes Rei had done this anywhere other than school. He needs to get out of here _now_ , because this is not going to go over well. He sits behind Rei in the class and–

“Nagisa-kun?” Rei asks. “You look distant. Are _you_ alright?”

“Huh? Oh! I’m alright.” He offers him his biggest smile, just like what he’s always supposed to do. Flash a smile, pretend it’s okay. Flash a smile, pretend he’s not hurt. Flash a smile, flash a smile, flash a smile. Rei smiles back. Completely oblivious. He sits down in his seat and Nagisa puts his head down in his arms, looking at the white wall beside him.

He knew it was going to happen. He _knew_.

He was never enough for Rei. Rei never looked the least bit interested in what they were doing. He was always calculating and cold, parsing over every little reaction Nagisa had and filing it away for future use with _someone he actually loved_.

Someone that’s not Nagisa.

Someone smart, with a sweet disposition. Some girl or boy that would look up to Rei and think the world of him, but is still willing to challenge him. Because that’s what Rei needs; someone to challenge him.

Nagisa never challenges him. Nagisa accepts him as he is.

It’s not enough.

***

Rin and Nitori have a complicated relationship at best. They’re teammates and roommates primarily. Sometimes they fall into bed together and sometimes they hold hands in front of the team and sometimes Rin doesn’t give Nitori the time of day. It’s okay, because Nitori learned a long time ago to put his relationship with Rin on the back burner. Rin is a swimmer and if he’s not in first, he’s in last.

Swimming first. Nitori last.

Nitori is okay with that. He’s not going anywhere but right where Rin needs him.

Right now Rin needs him at a distance, needs Nitori out of the room when he’s there and in lane six if he’s in lane one. Nitori respects that he needs space and he respects that Rin doesn’t always enjoy public displays of affection. He respects everything that Rin gives him and if that’s all he gets, that’s all he needs.

All he wants? No.

So now that Rin needs space, Nitori staggers into their room late into the nights, when Rin should already be sleeping and that’s when he clambers up the ladder to his bed and finally goes to sleep. Rin wakes at six everyday, so he’s out of the room by five thirty. It’s not ideal, but if Rin needs it, Nitori is going to show Rin that he can give him everything he needs.

They have their signals, too. When Rin is finally ready to let Nitori back in, he makes sure that he’s awake early and beckons Nitori to join him on his bunk. When Rin is finally comfortable enough to take things out of their bedroom, he wraps his arm around his waist before a practice.

He hasn’t done those things in weeks.

***

There’s this pier. When the sun sets, the entire ocean turns golden and red, colors swirling together like the old paintings Nagisa used to do when he was a child and didn’t know Haru and Makoto. It’s low enough that Nagisa can dip his feet into the water when he’s sitting.

Nagisa’s favorite thing about the pier is its seclusion. There are never fishing boats docked here. There’s a house behind the pier, about a half a mile back, but it’s been abandoned for years. No one used this pier except Nagisa.

Sometimes, when Nagisa is feeling at his lowest point, he’ll swim in the golden ocean, swirling the colors even further together until he’s out far enough that he’s surrounded by nothing but molten gold and it’d be so, so easy just to sink and never come back up. He could just float in the gold for hours and never worry about anything.

The sun always sets. And the golden water is always reduced back to its dull blueish brown, the drab color chasing Nagisa away from the water until he’s pulling himself out of the poison, laying on the pier until he can breathe again.

He tells himself next time, next time he’ll just float.

He never floats.

***

His older sister, Hana, is still in high school with him. She used to swim with Nagisa, too, until she broke her arm and it never healed right. She can no longer swim competitively, but sometimes she comes to a practice or two just to watch the boys do what she used to love doing.

Nagisa loves his family more than he loves anything. He cannot deny his sisters anything, whether it’s dressing him up in their clothing, putting make up on him, or using him to get them boyfriends. He’s done it for them before, setting up his classmates with one or more of them at a time. One time he set up his two eldest sisters with twins and they were beyond delighted.

Hana is his favorite sister, though. When they were younger, they slept in the same bed. They wanted to be doctors together at the same hospital. They wanted to do a lot of things. They still want to do things together. They read the same books and shop together when Hana demands it. They’re as thick as thieves.

And Rei’s apparently taken notice. Because he’s talking to Hana right now and Nagisa knows that face. That’s her _boy_ face, the face she gets around boys she likes. That’s her _boy face_.

Nagisa dives back in the water and by the time he’s done with his extra set, Haru is the only one left.

“They told me to tell you that they’re all at the ice cream shop if we want to join.” Haru’s calm voice has always anchored Nagisa in the past, but now it makes him cringe and all he wants to do it scream.

He smiles. “Of course! We should go, Haru-chan!”

“I think I’ll pass,” Haru says. He floats under the bare tree and then goes back under the surface of the cool water and Nagisa knows that he’s not going to go either. He pulls himself out of the pool, arms quaking with the strain from his last set, and stumbles his first few steps into the showers.

His biceps are burning and his arms feel like jelly. He can barely feel them. They ache and tonight would be a night be puts on Icy-Hot and goes directly to bed because of the pain. This time, it’s different.

He loves it.

***

  
Rei never fucked Nagisa. He’s done just about everything else. He’s fingered him relentlessly several times, fucking him into completion and even afterwards until Nagisa’s thighs were shaking with the strain of having just three fingers lodged deep in his ass. He’s had his tongue in him twice and on him several other times.

He knows Nagisa’s body inside and out. He knows just how to angle his fingers so he’ll hit his prostate every time and reduce Nagisa into a sobbing mess after just a few thrusts. He knows how to make Nagisa scream, knows every spot on his body that makes Nagisa moan.

He’s never fucked him. And he’s never had Nagisa on his back.

***

Nitori met Nagisa at one of their meets. He knows who the blond boy is. He’s seen him in some pictures of Rin as a child, smiling brightly and unashamedly. He’s always been the small one in their group, Nitori has, and Nagisa looks to be in the same situation. He thought maybe he and Nagisa could strike up a friendship, but they never had an interaction again.

Until tonight.

There’s this pier that Nitori loves to go to. When you go after the sun sets, the moon is huge, all-encompassing and touching the ocean. It looks like the ocean is about to overtake it, waves reaching high to swallow the moon up, but then the moon will always glow brightly in defiance and refuse to drown.

Nitori sometimes like to imagine he’s the moon. That no matter what happens, he’ll remain steadfast and bright and strong. He likes to think that.

He knows he’s not the moon. He’s more like the ocean. He’s trying and trying to bring something beautiful and full of life back to him and failing again and again and again and he’ll never win. He’s trying to keep the moon as close as he can, but he knows that his time will soon be up and the sun will rise again and he’ll have lost his chance for good.

He gets there early one day. The sun is just about to set, but the moon is already in the sky. Sometimes, when those two heavenly bodies share headspace, it gives Nitori hope. It gives him hope that one day he might be able to coexist with Rin, but then he remembers that he’s the ocean and he’s below him. He’s always been below him and he always will be.

There’s another person on the pier. He’s dead, oh god the person is just laying there, bot moving. Nitori can’t see if he’s breathing or not. He run, just drops his bike and runs to the end of the pier, but when he gets closer he can see the rise and fall of their bare chest.

“Nagisa-kun?” Nitori asks tentatively.

Nagisa sits up quickly, eyes wide and shoulders hunched like he’s expecting an attack. He’s not very well-versed in Nagisa’s behavior, but he looks defeated and sad and it makes Nitori’s chest swell in empathy for the beaten down boy. He sits on the pier beside him.

“Ai-chan, do you come here, too?” Nagisa asks and Nitori sucks in a breath when he hears the name Nagisa uses. He’s not used to anyone calling him Ai. He prefers it, but no one uses the fond name with him. Especially Rin-sempai.

“Sometimes. I like being here when the moon’s out,” Nitori answers. He swirls his feet in the water, loving that they can actually skim the surface of the cool salty depths. “You?”

“Sometimes,” Nagisa mutters. “Sometimes.” They sit together for a very, very long time. Until the sun is rising again. Neither boy says much, only bare conversation here and there about nothing and everything. The silence spoke more than anything their half-hearted words would convey.

When the sun is finally in the sky, the dawning of a new day, they stand in sync and walk down the pier together. They don’t say anything, but with every step they feel themselves growing more and more tense around the other boy. The spell that the moon had the under slowly shimmers away until they’re left standing at the end of the pier with only averted gazes and stiff postures. Nitori struggles for words, but he thinks of nothing.

“Can we do this again tomorrow?” Nagisa asks softly when they finally get to the path where they have to go their separate ways.

“Yes,” Nitori murmurs.

 ***

Nitori isn’t known for his breaststroke abilities. He’s good, but he’ll never go to the Olympics. He’ll never even go to Nationals in an individual event. He’s fine with being out of the spotlight, though. He’s fine with it.

“Really?” Nagisa asks.

“Yeah. It’s fine,” Nitori promises. “I’d rather Rin and the rest of the team place instead.”

“But Ai-chan is allowed to want things for himself, too,” Nagisa says, eyes wide. He doesn’t understand that Nitori wants that for others first.

“I know that,” he says.

***

“Nagisa, where are you going?”

Nagisa knew this was coming, he was just unsure of when exactly Makoto or Haru or maybe even Rei would notice. He’s been expecting this.

“To meet up with a friend,” Nagisa answers. Haru looks concerned, but he doesn’t push. He doesn’t pry and ask who or why. Nagisa is surprised to see even a little hint of emotion on Haru’s usually stoic face.

“We have practice,” Haru says.

“Yeah,” Nagisa says. He turns from Haru and walks away.

***

When the water’s golden and Nagisa is alone, he’ll sometimes swim to where there’s a shadow. There’s a large rock, standing fastidiously and proud about a hundred yards in the water, and it casts a long shadow that Nagisa will sometimes tread in for a few minutes and just think.

He thinks about a lot in those moments. He thinks about the swim club. He thinks about when Rin and Haru and Makoto and he were a team, swimming relays until their arms hurt and their legs ached. He sometimes thinks about Rei, beautiful and captivating Rei.

Sometimes he likes not to think instead. Sometimes he just floats in the water and looks up at the sky and pretends like he’s five again. He pretends that he’s sixteen and hasn’t asked Rei to join the swim team. He pretends the last six months of Rei and him have never happened.

None of it is real.

***

Nagisa is primarily a helper. He helps people. He helps Rei learn how to swim, he helps Haru cook mackerel, he helps Gou plan workouts for them. He likes helping. When he helps people, he knows that he’s making a small difference in their day. Maybe even their life.

He likes to help Nitori now. Now that he can’t help Rei anymore– No, now that Rei doesn’t _want his help_ anymore, he wants to help Nitori. He wants to help him realize that he’s funny and wonderful and bright, with or without Rin. He doesn’t need Rin to be a human being.

Maybe Nagisa should take his own advice and let Rei go.

***

He goes to one of Nitori’s swim meets with Hana. Hana smiles and cheers through the individual medleys and when Nitori races, they make quite a commotion in the stands. They’re cheering and Hana is standing and waving her arms and everyone on Samezuka is a little confused. Rin knows Nagisa, though, and he can tell that Rin is surprised.

When Nitori places third, Nagisa cheers wildly and Nitori gives him a big wave from the blocks.

***

Nitori can read Rin very well. When he places second at a meet, he knows to stay away for a good four hours before he should try to talk to him. Sometimes Rin blames himself and other times he blames Nitori for distracting him.

Rin comes in second at the meet.

Nitori already has a safety net. He stays with Mikoshiba on nights like these. It’s come to be an unspoken agreement between them. If Rin places second or worse, Nitori stays with Mikoshiba. He leaves the door unlocked at this point, a blaring sign that Nitori is always welcome. Mikoshiba knows Rin and he knows that Nitori can’t always handle Rin.

Or maybe Rin can’t always handle Nitori. Nitori is too loud, too talkative for Rin to handle on his best days without snapping and sending him on his way. Nitori is used to it from Rin. It almost doesn’t hurt him anymore than Rin can’t stand being with him more than five hours at a time.

Almost.

Nitori almost misses Nagisa’s arms wrapped around his torso so tightly. “Ai-chan was wonderful! Very fast and graceful!”

He laughs and it almost sounds hollow. “Thank you, Nagisa-chan!” Nagisa’s bright eyes blink happily at him and it’s jarring not to have to look up at someone. Nagisa looks happy, much happier than when they were on the pier last week, and it makes Nitori happy. He smiles a smile back and that’s when there’s an arm flung around his shoulders.

“Rin-chan!” Nagisa says. “You also swam very well.”

“Thank you, Nagisa,” Rin says stiffly. Nitori is overjoyed just to have a little big of Rin’s skin on his and when Rin brushes his fingers over Nitori’s collarbone, he knows he’s in for a fun night. And he’ll let Rin, he’ll let Rin have whatever he wants, whatever he needs.

“Well, we better be heading off,” the girl beside Nagisa says. “Great job, boys!”

“Bye, Rin-chan! Ai-chan!” Nagisa waves as the girl drags him off.

Nitori watches Rin’s expression as they go. He looks more and more relieved with every step they take away from them. When they’re out of sight, Rin pulls Nitori into his body so they’re flush against each other. Rin, beautiful and perfect Rin, takes Nitori’s chin in his hand and stares at him for a very long time.

“You’re mine, Nitori. Not Nagisa’s. You’re _mine_.” He kisses Nitori’s jaw and Nitori wants to bury himself inside of Rin’s arms and never leave. Of course, he’ll have to leave when Rin doesn’t want him any longer, but he can live in this moment for now.

***

Nagisa texts Nitori sometimes. Whenever he just needs a break from Makoto and Haru and Gou and Rei, he’ll text Nitori something silly about his day or a picture of himself making a funny face. Sometimes Nitori replies with a picture of himself and Rin. Rin’s face is almost always impassive, but in one memorable picture he had his lips planted on Nitori’s cheek and Nagisa saved it.

Nagisa still sees Rei. He sees him everywhere. Rei is always with him. He’s with him in class and in the hallway and at practice. Nagisa just needs some time to breathe. Nitori’s life may be worked out for the moment, but Nagisa’s is far from it. He needs to get away from Rei, just for a while. He needs to separate himself so he can get something back in his lungs, something that’s not just Rei’s breath or poison.

He skips another practice before Makoto and Gou confront him. They yell, they ask why, and Nagisa feels himself shutting down. He feels the smiles coming up front, fake smiles used to make how he’s feeling. He needs space, room for his mind to start getting back into swimming, back to where it should be.

He walks out of the practice and it’s not five minutes of walking away before Rei catches up with him on the sidewalk. Rei wants to talk, but Nagisa doesn’t turn to look at him.

“Nagisa-kun, you lied to me.”

Nagisa spins around and it’s almost indignant. “I would never lie to Rei-chan,” Nagisa says, affronted. He hasn’t lied to him, he’s never lied to him. Nagisa wouldn’t lie to _anyone_ , let alone his Rei-chan.

“You told me you were fine, but you’re not. Nagisa-kun, please let me help you,” Rei begs. His eyes look pained and his hair is just barely disheveled. That’s Rei’s version of falling apart. He pushes his glasses up his nose. “I want to help you, Nagisa.”

Nagisa turns and walks away from where Rei is standing. He’s made enough mistakes in the past few months, and one of them was falling in love with Rei Ryugazaki. He’s not going to do this to himself again. He’s not going to love anyone ever again. He’s going to coast through life without anyone from this moment on. He can do it, he just–

He looks back at Rei, who looks shocked. Nagisa pulls his goggles out of his backpack and tosses them to a stunned Rei. “Here.”

“Nagisa-kun, what–“

“Use them, Rei-chan. I certainly won’t be.” Nagisa turns his back to Rei then and walks to the pier. The walk is quiet and Nagisa feels an ache in his chest that’s unpleasant but not unfamiliar. He sends a text to Nitori, telling him he thinks he just quit the swim team, and then dips his feet into the cool water.

Nagisa can see his reflection in the liquid gold, his hair’s blending into the water, swirling when Nagisa moves his feet. He remembers his coaches talk about being one with the water, a part of the water, and thinks it’s fitting. He stands and pulls off his clothes until he’s just in his swimsuit and then dives into the water.

Sometimes the water is warm in the summer months. It’s almost like bath water right now, but Nagisa is too cold to notice.

***

It only takes an hour before Nitori is at the pier with Rin in tow. He sees Nitori dive in to swim towards him, but Rin stays put on the pier. Nagisa appreciates their effort to ensure he’s alright, so he swims towards Nitori. They meet in the middle and Nitori stares at Nagisa for a few seconds before he opens his arms.

Nagisa surges forward, a pained noise in his throat, and Nitori just keeps him enveloped in his arms for a long, long time. Nagisa doesn’t cry often, and when he does it’s always in the privacy of his bedroom, but he can’t help the way he breaks down on Nitori’s shoulder. He can’t help the way that he can’t breathe because he’s sobbing so hard. He can’t help how he doesn’t even realize Nitori swam so they’re at the pier until Rin is pulling him out of the water and Hana is wrapping him up in a towel. Nitori hands him over to Hana and Nagisa tries to apologize, tries to say anything that can make up for all the trouble he caused them today, but Nitori only squeezes his hand as he lets him go and Hana gets him safely home.

His parents don’t ask when Hana pulls Nagisa through the door with bloodshot eyes and still dripping from the water. They only push a mug of soup towards him and Nagisa thinks they’ve known he was about to break for a while.

***

Nagisa wakes up with lots of messages from Makoto and Rei. He has one from Haru that says “come over”, so Nagisa does just that. He pulls on a jacket even though it’s summer and makes his way to Haru’s house.

Haru has always been Nagisa’s friend that he goes to when he needs someone to talk to. He appreciates Makoto’s advice and how it’s usually spot-on, but Haru always seems to know just what Nagisa is going through and he can always sympathize.

Yeah, Haru might not be able to sympathize with him now. He agreed to be his best friend’s friend with benefits, fell madly in love with him during the process, was tossed aside when he wasn’t needed to make him better or more beautiful anymore, saw him with his sister, and then quit the swim team.

Haru only stares at him and offers him some mackerel and a few thoughts on everything.

“I don’t know what to say, Nagisa. It’s not your fault Rei did those things, but it’s your fault you’re letting it get to you so much.”

***

Nagisa opens his locker the next day and sees the goggles he threw at Rei sitting on the shelf. He slams the locker and stalks to class without his textbook. He gets a detention.

***

It’s been thirty seven days since Rei finished his ‘experimentation’ when Rei finally comes to Nagisa’s house. He’s laying face-down on his bed, contemplating apologizing to Nitori, when Hana pops her gorgeous blonde head through the door.

“Nagi, Rei-kun is here to speak with you. I’m running to the store, will you two be fine here on your own?”

“Rei-chan is here?” Nagisa asks, sitting upright. “I don’t–“

But it’s too late to tell Hana he doesn’t want to speak to Rei, because Rei is already in the threshold of his bedroom. He breathes deeply and Nagisa watches the rise and fall of his shoulders through his shirt.

“Nagisa-kun, I need to speak with you.” He looks nervous, not self-assured and confident. Rei’s hair is mussed, like he’s run his hands through it over and over again before coming here. Nagisa wants to straighten his glasses because he knows how much Rei hates it when they’re crooked.

“Of course Rei-chan may speak to me,” Nagisa says. He wants to smile, play it off happily and he can forget anything ever happened, but he can’t move on. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

“You’ve been avoiding me.” Rei holds up the goggles that were in Nagisa’s locker and sets them gently on his nightstand. “You’re been missing practices.”

“Rei-chan–“

Rei holds up a hand. “Please allow me to finish, Nagisa-kun. You’ve been missing practices and it’s entirely my fault.” He steps farther into the room and shuts the door behind him. Nagisa gets off of his bed so he can stand and talk to Rei. “I think I know why, too.”

Rei _knows_. He’s the smartest person Nagisa knows and he’s ridiculous that it’s taken him this long. It’s ridiculous that it’s taken Rei six months to realize Nagisa’s hopelessly in love with him and he’s not going anywhere. Nagisa takes a step back, stumbling almost, and Rei bursts forward until his arm is around Nagisa’s waist and Nagisa has to look up to make eye contact with Rei.

“Nagisa-kun,” Rei says softly. He watches Rei’s pupils expand and he knows this Rei. This is the sexual Rei that Nagisa has come to be so familiar with. He can do this. He can do this unattached sex, he _can_. He won’t be weak like last time, either. He’s going to be strong and let Rei fuck him into the mattress until he can’t remember anything, especially that he loves Rei.

He can do that for Rei. Maybe he and Nitori aren’t that different after all.

Rei hoists Nagisa up until Nagisa can wrap his legs around Rei’s slim waist. Rei has never done this before, never blatantly showed off his strength in bed. He’s never faced Nagisa. He’s never even kissed him. Nagisa doesn’t understand the sudden change, doesn’t understand why Rei would want to degrade himself to actually see Nagisa’s face as he fucks him. He doesn’t know why this beautiful boy wants to fuck him in the first place.

Rei softly deposits Nagisa on the bed onto his back and Nagisa rolls so he’s on his stomach, propping himself up on his elbows. Rei makes a pained noise and grabs Nagisa’s elbow. Nagisa is confused the entire time he rolls him onto his back. When he’s laying comfortably, Rei settles himself between Nagisa’s thighs and then pulls Nagisa into a tentative kiss.

When Rei’s lips brush against Nagisa’s, Nagisa’s entire body jerks. This is so unexpected and Rei shouldn’t have to force himself to do things he doesn’t want because Nagisa is upset. He doesn’t want Rei to have to do this for him. He wants Rei to want him as much as he wants Rei.

Rei doesn’t pull away, though. He puts a hand on Nagisa’s neck and the other beside his head to hold himself up. When he kisses Nagisa this time, he runs his thumb along Nagisa’s jaw, but whether he’s steadying Nagisa or himself Nagisa doesn’t know. He makes a broken sound into Rei’s mouth and Rei lowers his hips into Nagisa’s and Nagisa jerks again.

This is happening. This is real.

Rei is pity-fucking Nagisa and Nagisa is going to take it because he wants Rei however he can get him. He’s pathetic and desperate, but he’s going to do this. This will get Rei’s mind off of Nagisa being upset, so Nagisa will do what he can to make sure Rei doesn’t feel wrong. It’s not Rei’s fault he doesn’t want Nagisa. It’s Nagisa’s fault Rei doesn’t want Nagisa.

Rei pulls away from Nagisa and Nagisa tries to chase after his lips, tries to make this good for Rei. Maybe if he can make it good for Rei, he’ll come back again. Rei moves his hand from Nagisa’s neck to his cheek and Rei says, “You’re beautiful.”

Nagisa freezes. He can’t– He doesn’t know what to do with that information. He can’t begin to fathom that Rei thinks he’s beautiful because Rei’s spent six months proving he’s _not_. He shuts his eyes, waiting for a punch-line, but Rei only plants a soft, barely-there kiss to his cheek.

“Nagisa-kun,” Rei murmurs. He swipes his thumb along Nagisa’s cheek and Nagisa is going to cry. He is going to cry while Rei is here and it’s going to be messy and unattractive and definitely _not_ beautiful. “Please say something.”

Nagisa has never been able to deny Rei anything he wants. He’s never been able to tell Rei no, but maybe if he were able he could’ve avoided this entire situation. He could’ve spent six months happily beside Rei and his friends without feeling an impending sense of doom deep in the pit of his stomach.

“I don’t know what to say to Rei-chan,” Nagisa admits. “I don’t understand why–“

Rei cuts him off with a shake of his head. Nagisa can’t accept that Rei wants him, won’t accept it because it’s been untrue since he’s met him.

“It’s because I love you. Nagisa-kun, I–“

“Rei-chan,” Nagisa whispers in wonder. Rei looks horribly vulnerable, beautiful eyes wide and a blush spreading high on his cheeks. He smiles up at Rei and the ache deep in his chest, the ache that’s been there for months, dissipates in a swarm of feelings.

_Rei loves him._

***

“I don’t understand Rei-chan,” Nagisa says. He can maybe learn to accept that Rei wants him. He can believe that. Right now, all he can believe is that this has to be some kind of joke. Maybe Haru put him up to this, to make Nagisa feel better.

“I–I thought maybe that if I could get close to you maybe I could convince you to love me, too,” Rei confesses. He ducks his head down so Nagisa can’t see the blush on his high cheeks. Nagisa always loves it when Rei blushes. It reminds him of sunshine and happiness.

“Rei-chan never had to convince me to love him,” Nagisa says. “I already did.” He pulls Rei down and seals their mouthes together. The noise Rei makes sounds like the personification of sex and Nagisa is never happier than when he’s with Rei. He juts his hips up, right into Rei’s personal space, and Rei groans.

Nagisa slides his tongue into Rei’s mouth and even after everything they’ve done together, this still feels exhilarating and new and Nagisa just wants. He wants Rei’s skin to always be against his. He wants Rei to fuck him into the mattress. He just _wants_.

Rei seems to sense Nagisa’s urgency. He wastes no time in taking Nagisa’s shirt off of him. Nagisa sits up and pushes Rei back against his headboard. He flashes him a significant look and Rei starts fumbling with the buttons of his shirt while Nagisa shucks his pants off and gets his lube.

“Nagisa-kun,” Rei says. He buries his face in Nagisa’s neck and Nagisa thinks that Rei may be out of his element now, too. He kisses Nagisa’s neck and when he places a tentative bite on Nagisa’s collarbone, Nagisa’s whole body quivers. He lets out a breathy sigh and begs Rei to do it again.

Rei bites his neck again, this time harder, and Nagisa pushes a slick finger into himself. Rei takes a hand off of his hip and slides his finger in along with Nagisa’s. Nagisa whines at the stretch. He puts a hand on Rei’s toned chest to brace himself as he fucks back onto their fingers. Rei places a reverent kiss on Nagisa’s lips and Nagisa is going to fall apart before this is over.

Rei smiles. “You’re beautiful, Nagisa-kun. So, so beautiful.” He slides in another finger and Nagisa moans Rei’s name. He’s so glad that Hana and the rest of his family are out of the house. Nagisa pulls his own finger out of his hole. He’s whimpering, shaking with need. Rei puts his free hand on Nagisa’s hip as he slides in a finger to replace the one Nagisa pulled out.

Rei’s hands are bigger than Nagisa’s and his fingers know exactly which way to curl to make Nagisa a trembling mess in Rei’s lap. He’s almost chanting Rei’s name, begging him to make him come. Rei shushes him with a squeeze on his hip as he stretches his fingers apart inside of Nagisa.

It’s decidedly different than their old fucking. Rei was almost detached then, calculating which way to thrust his fingers and move his tongue into Nagisa to make him come as quickly as possible. Now though, now Rei is watching Nagisa fall apart at the seams and he’s the one bringing him back together. It’s intimate and pure and Nagisa _loves_ it.

When Rei finally, finally decides to pull his fingers out of Nagisa, he pauses. He squeezes Nagisa’s hip again and says, “Nagisa-kun, you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. I respect your choices.”

Even if Nagisa wanted to, which he completely does not want to, he couldn’t deny Rei anything. Nagisa flicks the button of Rei’s pants open and his thick, hard cock springs free. Nagisa wants to taste, but more than anything he wants to feel full. He puts both of his hands on Rei’s shoulders and positions himself directly above Rei’s gorgeous cock.

Nagisa slowly starts to sink down and he pulls Rei’s mouth to his. Every inch makes him want to pull away and go farther down at the same time. Nagisa feels like he’s falling apart. His mouth goes slack against Rei’s soft lips and he exhales heavily. He shudders and relaxes. He’s completely seated on Rei’s cock and he loves it and it burns, but it’s perfect because it’s _Rei_.

“Nagisa-kun,” Rei moans.

“Fuck, Rei-chan,” Nagisa breathes softly. He pulls himself up and then sinks back down onto Rei’s cock and Rei’s hands grip his hips so tightly they might leave finger-shaped bruises. Nagisa’s cock, hard and aching, is trapped between their muscled abdomens and when he rides Rei, he feels the most intense friction coming from where it’s rubbing against them.

Nagisa is shaking, can’t hold himself together. He’s going to come and it’s going to be fast and just what Nagisa needs. Rei seems to understand, because he braces his heels on the mattress and starts shallowly thrusting up into Nagisa. He hits that spot after only a few thrusts and Nagisa cries out.

They’re rocking together, chiseled bodies melding so it’s hard to tell where Rei starts and Nagisa ends. Nagisa tosses his arms around Rei’s back and hooks his chin over his shoulder. He’s fucking himself back as Rei thrusts and their rhythm is perfect and when Nagisa comes, he digs his fingernails into Rei’s shoulder blades and moans Rei’s name into the mostly silent room.

Rei follows shortly after, Nagisa’s body clenching down on his and drawing his own release out. Rei picks Nagisa up and slams his slender body down onto his cock, causing both boys to moan at the sensation.

Nagisa catches his breath with Rei still deep inside him. Rei kisses Nagisa’s neck and murmurs something that sounds suspiciously like “I love you” and Nagisa smiles a perfectly real smile at his wall.

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Nitori's relationship with Rin is very unhealthy and almost emotionally abusive. Rin gets possessive and Nitori doesn't bat an eyelash. I want to warn about the Rinai mostly. But also, TW for some allusions to suicidal!Nagisa. Rei is also very inconsiderate towards Nagisa's emotions at first, but he gets over it. 
> 
> If anyone sees ANYTHING I should mention in the warnings, PLEASE LET ME KNOW IN THE COMMENTS!!!! There are a lot of bad vibes in this fic and I may have forgotten something. 
> 
>  
> 
> Anyway, Join me on tumblr! My name is pessimisticprose. You can also send me prompts! 
> 
> We can talk about gay swimmers or gay werewolves or gay revolutionaries. Or hell, even Shizaya. I'll tell you why I think Izaya is a secret good guy.


End file.
